one hundred chapters

of love and other things


#5 – The Clarinet Player

Being a musician myself, it’s normal that, from time to time (more like all the time) I find myself attracted to musicians. It’s a natural thing to happen, I think, seeing as music is such a big part of my life.

When I was fourteen years old, I joined the local town philharmonic band. Compared to the other band members, I was quite ‘old’ to start learning music and an instrument, but I got the hang of my flute in under four/five months. My best friend was in the band and … so was my at-the-time crush.

After I broke up with the Cuban, I didn’t really waste any time in moving on to greener pastures. About two weeks later, I was making plans to clandestinely make out with the Clarinet Player.

When I was 14, the Clarinet Player seemed very charming to me. He was already on his way to his 12th grade, I was just wrapping up 9th grade, and he played so well. He still does, actually – I hear he has a very promising future ahead of him in music, and I’m quite happy for him. At the time, he was quite a catch.

So, during the local fair, the Clarinet Player and I made plans to make out a little bit before heading there, after our 9pm band rehearsal. However, this plan wasn’t quite successful, seeing as we stupidly decided to do it near a parking lot where, coincidentally, our fellow band members had parked their cars. Needless to say, there was no making out, and we ended up getting a ride to the fair with some of those band members.

Finally, we made plans to make out exactly a week before my 15th birthday. I remember it because it was the birthday of one of my friends, whose birthday is always exactly one week before mine. I had made plans with my best friend to go to the pool but, before that, I was going to pay a quick trip to the band headquarters.

I don’t exactly remember how the make out session went. I know I felt really awkward because he was just so tall and suddenly uninteresting, and I just wanted to leave. He wasn’t a very good kisser either – his tongue was just … barely there, and I felt like an inexperienced kid all over again (although, that is exactly what I was).

When I was leaving, I think I looked a bit off, because he asked me what was wrong and my reply was ‘this wasn’t very good’. Then I simply left. Needless to say, we only talked with ‘those intentions’ in mind only one more time, and it led to nothing, especially because something incredibly pointless and complicated happened with that same friend whose birthday was exactly one week before mine – I think he was flirting with her or something and I got jealous, even though I had no reason for it.

In any case, my crush on him didn’t last long. After him, came my Ex-Boyfriend, the ultimate Ex-Boyfriend, and that’s when my life never quite became the same again.


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#3 – The ‘Cuban’

The ‘Cuban’ was a meaningless (but kind of necessary at the same time) chapter of my life. You see, I was 14 years old and in my 9th grade. All of my friends were getting boyfriends and having their first kiss, they texted boys back and forth all the time, and I was just there, single and text-less. So, when I was sitting on the steps of my school one afternoon with my best friend and this new foreign student walked by and stared at me the entire time, I decided to take action.

I was 14, though, so when I say ‘take action’, I mean that people started spreading the word ‘oh, I hear Cuban is interested in Isis’ ‘I think she’s interested too’, blah blah, until it reached his ears. It all happened very fast, actually. He asked me to ‘take a walk around the school’ with him (unfortunately, it was how we all spent all of our recesses), told me he liked me, and kissed me.

My first kiss was nothing wonderful and romantic. It was just that, a kiss. I was inexperienced, so I basically just did whatever he did and prayed to God it was okay. It started open-mouthed right away, and then he just got his tongue in the mess and I just thought ‘to hell with it …’

We became boyfriend and girlfriend after that, but the relationship only lasted three or four months, until I graduated middle school and went to my 10th grade (first year of high school), leaving him behind. Oh right, did I mention he was one year younger than me, therefore in his 8th grade? Right. Also, I didn’t get a texting partner at all, because he didn’t even have a cellphone. I’m not sure he has one right now, actually.

During those three/four months, though, we spent many recesses holding hands and walking together, kissing but not really making out (14 year old me didn’t know the difference and thought kissing for a long time was the same thing as making out), and smoking together. Ahh, the joys of dating someone who also smokes.

In any case, on the last day of 9th grade exams, we had a talk and decided to break up, because the distance would be too big (I’m not even lying when I say our high school is 2 streets down from our middle school) and I’d find a high school guy to be interested in. This ended up being very true, actually. But, like all other stories, that is a story for another time.

As he told me that we had to break up, I got a little teary-eyed, but didn’t cry. Instead, I smiled at him, wished him good luck with everything, and went to meet my friends at the bar, where I cried about 5 tears, had a soda, a cigarette, and moved on to greener (or not, really) pastures.

‘Cuban’, although meaningless, marked the start of my dating life. And boy, what a life it has been! I can’t wait to tell you about it.

 Until next time,



#2 – of second chances and dating personalities

I had originally planned on this blog being filled with posts about my love life, in a chronological order. However, after I broke up with my (now ex-)boyfriend last night, I felt compelled to write a post about something slightly different. You see, I want to talk about second chances and about the three types of dating personalities.

Second chances are tricky and, in most cases, they don’t work out so well. The truth is, if you had to give someone a second chance, it’s because it hadn’t worked out the first time around. Yes, it’s by making mistakes that you learn, but in certain cases it’s not that simple. If it didn’t work out because of the person’s own personality, then it’s because you just don’t work out together, you’re not compatible. You can’t expect someone to change over you, just as someone else can’t expect you to change over them.

I was once told that, when it comes to relationships, there are three types of people: the ‘clingy’ ones, the ‘normal’ ones, and the ‘indifferent’ ones. For two whole years, I was in between the ‘clingy’ and ‘normal’ category, and I honestly thought it was fine to bother your boyfriend all the time with texts and wanting to be with him, and just generally obsessing over him. I was very dependent of him. Then, once we broke up, I radically moved to the ‘indifferent’ category.

And I have to say, the ‘indifferent’ category is the best. If you’re dating someone and they don’t give you a lot of attention, you don’t care, because you never really wanted it in the first place. It bothers you to constantly be ‘cute’ with someone, and you can basically do whatever you want without feeling any kind of remorse. But, of course, there is a bad side to it as well.

Sooner or later, you get tired of being ‘indifferent’. You want to feel what other people do, want what other people want, you want to date someone without getting sick and tired of them. The problem is, if you don’t date the right person, you get tired anyway. And you may not be in love with the not-right person, but you feel fond of them, and when the time to break up with them comes … you feel guilty about not feeling bad.

A ‘clingy’ person and an ‘indifferent’ person just don’t work out together. And no matter how hard you try to tell yourself that you’ll be able to find a point of equilibrium … you can’t.

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#1 – of love

Love isn’t something you can easily define. In fact, I don’t think love can be defined at all. This happens because there are various types of love, and I don’t honestly think I can list them all, just as I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced them all.

The type of love that you commonly experience for the first time is definitely the love between a child and its parents. Children who are lucky enough to share that kind of bond and love with their parents and grow up in a loving environment will have an easier time opening up to other children and befriending them in the future. Or, at least, that’s what I assume – but what do I know?

Personally, I can’t complain. I grew up with both my mother and my father, and I always had the necessary love and support from them. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll continue to have it in the future.

If you have them, there is also the love you’ll feel for a sibling. Whether it’s an older sibling or a younger one, you’ll always love them, no matter what. Unless they’re complete jack asses, of course – yes, it happens – but, commonly, you’ll love them anyway.

Protectiveness is common in a relationship between siblings. Usually it’s always the older and more experienced people who act more protective towards their younger, more naïve siblings. The most general example of this is the relationship between an older brother and a younger sister, but obviously it doesn’t apply to that only.

For example, take my sister and I. She’s 12 and I’m 19 and, even though we didn’t get along well while she was younger (she had the lovely habit of pulling my hair and dragging me along our apartment’s hallway. I was really weak …), we get along great now – with the obvious exceptions of when mood swings hit her and she gets mad over everything. That’s okay, though. I was once like that as well. 

But in any case, I am very protective of her. I just feel like punching a bunch of little, screaming kids whenever I hear something isn’t going well for her. Obviously I don’t do it, but still, it’s something worth thinking about.

You also very generally have the love you feel for your family members which, depending on the case, is usually not as intense as the one you feel for your parents or siblings, but obviously that differs from family to family. Let’s not get into that, though.

Then you have that love that feels like family but technically isn’t – friends. Friends are a tricky thing to have, at least to me. Up until college I always got really attached to my friends, but sooner or later, I’d feel like Ron Weasley – youngest son and all, never properly loved because everyone else was better than him. So yeah, basically I just gave my all to those people and then they’d have 50 best friends and they never included me. What ended up happening was that when I got to college and broke away from my old friends, I stopped getting so attached to people – any people – and I just … stopped labeling them. As in, ‘oh this is X, she’s my best friend!’. Yeah, no, it’s better if you don’t do that.

Still though, it’s true what they say. Friends are the family you get to choose, and if you find the right ones … they’ll last for a lifetime.

Finally, there’s the most popular love, the one everyone talks and writes about, the one everyone sings about. You have entire movies dedicated to it, and people do pretty stupid things because of it. That’s right – romantic love. The one between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman. The love that makes your stomach fill itself with butterflies and almost stop breathing when you finally meet them.

That … Jesus, that is the most complicated type of love, at least in my perspective. I haven’t been around for long, true, but I’ve had my relationships, and I can tell you … there is nothing simple about love.

But that … is for another time.

Until then,