one hundred chapters

of love and other things


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#5 – The Clarinet Player

Being a musician myself, it’s normal that, from time to time (more like all the time) I find myself attracted to musicians. It’s a natural thing to happen, I think, seeing as music is such a big part of my life.

When I was fourteen years old, I joined the local town philharmonic band. Compared to the other band members, I was quite ‘old’ to start learning music and an instrument, but I got the hang of my flute in under four/five months. My best friend was in the band and … so was my at-the-time crush.

After I broke up with the Cuban, I didn’t really waste any time in moving on to greener pastures. About two weeks later, I was making plans to clandestinely make out with the Clarinet Player.

When I was 14, the Clarinet Player seemed very charming to me. He was already on his way to his 12th grade, I was just wrapping up 9th grade, and he played so well. He still does, actually – I hear he has a very promising future ahead of him in music, and I’m quite happy for him. At the time, he was quite a catch.

So, during the local fair, the Clarinet Player and I made plans to make out a little bit before heading there, after our 9pm band rehearsal. However, this plan wasn’t quite successful, seeing as we stupidly decided to do it near a parking lot where, coincidentally, our fellow band members had parked their cars. Needless to say, there was no making out, and we ended up getting a ride to the fair with some of those band members.

Finally, we made plans to make out exactly a week before my 15th birthday. I remember it because it was the birthday of one of my friends, whose birthday is always exactly one week before mine. I had made plans with my best friend to go to the pool but, before that, I was going to pay a quick trip to the band headquarters.

I don’t exactly remember how the make out session went. I know I felt really awkward because he was just so tall and suddenly uninteresting, and I just wanted to leave. He wasn’t a very good kisser either – his tongue was just … barely there, and I felt like an¬†inexperienced¬†kid all over again (although, that is exactly what I was).

When I was leaving, I think I looked a bit off, because he asked me what was wrong and my reply was ‘this wasn’t very good’. Then I simply left. Needless to say, we only talked with ‘those intentions’ in mind only one more time, and it led to nothing, especially because something incredibly pointless and complicated happened with that same friend whose birthday was exactly one week before mine – I think he was flirting with her or something and I got jealous, even though I had no reason for it.

In any case, my crush on him didn’t last long. After him, came my Ex-Boyfriend, the ultimate Ex-Boyfriend, and that’s when my life never quite became the same again.

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#4 – Jealousy: when is it acceptable?

I decided to write about jealousy for the simple fact that I’m feeling it right now. And I do mean right at this very moment.

So here’s the deal: less than a week ago, I broke up with my 3-month boyfriend because he was too clingy, too submissive, and he liked me way more than I would ever like him. However, we appear to have somehow remained friends (although I have my doubts on whether he’s just hopeful that I’ll go back to him again or if it’s really just friendship).

This evening, I was talking to him on Facebook (where else, right?) when he said he was going to go out to a popular nightclub in the city (despite the fact that he has an exam at 9 am tomorrow, but that’s really not my business) tonight. I was a little uncomfortable by it, only because he could actually pass the exam and he’s throwing it away to go out and get drunk, but 3 hours later and I suddenly remembered that, well … what if he hooks up with another girl?

I know how I am. When I decide that I’ve had enough of something and want to end it, I start coming up with reasons as to why I should, and end up saying thinks like: ‘I want to make out with other people’, ‘I don’t feel like spending time with him’, ‘I don’t really like him that much’, only to realize that I could have overcome the original problem and have a stable relationship after all.

So now I’m confused, jealous, and I’m not sure if I even have the right to be.

What do you think? Should I be jealous that he gets with another girl despite the fact that we’re over and I’m very determined so that we don’t get back together? Or is it normal and okay, as long as I don’t actually confront him about it?

(I’m seriously worried about this.)